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| Guy Fieri's Facebook page |
I've been making fun of Guy Fieri for a pretty long time. I mean, look at him: If we ever get dragged into World War III, the Axis powers will put his chubby, bleached-blond head on propaganda posters to illustrate what us awful Americans are like. But I'm not alone, everyone makes fun of Guy Fieri. He's the ankle-high, tattoo-covered, goateed orange in the forest of low-hanging fruits. That's why, when I first read he was opening a new restaurant in Times Square, I thought, "I better get there and write about it before anyone else can." Oh, to have those fresh, first zingers.
Clearly, this was the exact wrong approach because A) Pieces were written before the restaurant even opened and B) I'm pretty sure I saw at least five other bloggers at Guy's American Kitchen and Bar plotting their clever asides about the pun-filled menu. Most telling, though, was that there wasn't much to make fun of.
For all the fun that I have made at the expense of Guy, I barely know anything about him. I know he won a contest on the Food Network in 2006 that vaulted him to a level of fame and ubiquity few celebrities (not just celebrity chefs) can match. I know that he's in a shitload of commercials, is remarkably wealthy, and that a former producer of his television show accused him of making homophobic and anti-Semitic remarks.
I've seen about a third of one episode of said show, Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives, and all I can remember is the image of Guy dressed like some sort of badass bowler standing in a roadside restaurant's kitchen, tampering with the resident cook's decades-old signature recipe. I think he said it was missing paprika, and that adding the spice would make it "money."
What does it say about me, then, that I left work early on Monday afternoon to rush to Times Square to dine at the restaurant of a man I only know through cultural osmosis? I've laughed at his hilarious publicity stills (like the one below, embedded for giggles) and Twitter account (which is full of interesting syntax choices, like replacing the letter "c" with "k" [i.e. "The krew at Harris Teeter rollin the bbq sauce. Awesome !"]), but to hightail it to midtown Manhattan during rush hour for Guy Fieri? At points, I found myself jogging to beat what I imagined would be the huge crowds. What the hell is wrong with me?
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One thing that certainly is wrong with me is that I'm not a trained restaurant critic. I'm not even that accomplished of an eater in general. I have the palate maturity of a spoiled brat raised on chicken tenders, though I've been told this puts me right in Guy Fieri's culinary sweet spot. Basically, I've made enough jokes about the dude to friends to convince myself that I am somehow qualified to give you an opinion of his restaurant.
According to the nice gentleman who welcomed me at the entrance of Guy's American Kitchen and Bar, I got there within the first hour of its opening. I don't know what I was expecting before I walked in. Twenty-foot-tall pictures of Guy Fieri's smiling face on every wall? Bleached Guy-alikes vamping and rhyming Guy-isms while taking orders? Guy himself?
Sadly, the room looked like any other American food factory in Times Square. I'd even venture to say it looked like it was on the higher end. It was absolutely gigantic: two floors split by a mezzanine that housed one of its bars. The walls were covered with faux-aged murals of muscle cars and Guy slogans like "Love, Peace & Taco Grease." Everything looked like a T-Shirt.
Heavy-looking electric candle chandeliers hung from the ceiling. The upstairs bar sat beneath a bubbly sculpture designed to look like a Cadillac logo. Two TVs were tuned to ESPN while the others featured the Food Network -- the primordial ooze from whence Guy crawled. Paula Deen was on. About half the women I saw dining at Guy's American Kitchen and Bar had gray hair and warm smiles and looked just like Paula Deen.
I was sat on the upper level (the lower level, I was told, was not yet open. It is the biggest of all the floors) at a two-top. I was dining alone because I was so eager to get to Guy's American Kitchen and Bar that I refused to wait for friends who had expressed interest as well. When I arrived, the restaurant was about half-full with earlier-than-early birds: the 5 p.m. crowd.
One of the things I do know about reviewing restaurants is the importance of going with a group so you can taste many different items . After seeing the menu full of choices like "Guy-talian Nachos" and "Slamma Jamma Chicken Parm" I realized that, holy shit, I'm going to have to take down at least three courses of this by myself.
I was writing some of these menu items down in my notepad like a real food critic when my waiter came over and profusely apologized for the delay. I had been waiting for maybe two minutes. More important, my jig was up: I was spotted jotting notes. My anonymity, so treasured and protected by restaurant critics, was compromised after two minutes at Guy's American Kitchen and Bar.
The waiters at Guy's are so pleasant and staid you wonder if they even come from the same planet as the in-your-face bad-boy chef whose signature is splashed all over the menus (these mark Guy's Signature Dishes, naturally). I experienced good service throughout my dinner.
Besides waiters and busboys, the floor was populated by various "higher-up" types: men and women who milled about with raised eyebrows and stiff backs, their very posture saying, "I'm keeping an eye on everything." They were there to ensure that Guy Fieri's introduction to New York would go off without a hitch. I counted maybe nine of these higher-ups. Sadly, none of them looked like Guy Fieri.
Soon, Ivan, a "brand ambassador" (according to his card), came over and warmly welcomed me. Was he suspicious of my note-taking? I hid my notepad from him, which at that point contained the following insights:
Jimmy Fallon's Boozy Creamsicle
Plastic deer (elk?) heads on wall
Julia Child clips on b-room TVs. In ladies' rooms? (Ask?)
He told me Guy was at the restaurant for the previous 10 days but had to return to California (Kalifornia?) that morning. Guy was involved "soup to nuts" with the restaurant and was such a magnetic and astounding individual that adoring crowds formed around him wherever he went. Ivan had earned his diplomatic plates as an acting ambassador of Guy Fieri's brand.
Ivan also asked me how I heard about the restaurant. "Oh, I was just walking by," I said. He asked what I did for a living. Fearing the repercussions of any further deceit at Guy's American Kitchen and Bar, I told him I was a writer.
I could feel my own personal brand withering, and I was happy when he politely excused himself.
Next: Awesome Pretzel Chicken Tenders
Source:
http://blogs.villagevoice.com/forkintheroad/2012/09/guy_fieri_tk.php